By Nysa Gandhi and Isabel McFarland
Feeling down on your luck? Well, look no further than this page! Sir Whitman himself has blessed our pages with his wisdom as we inevitably need it. Reader, we must advise you to savor these tidbits of knowledge. You never know when you might need it. In his own words, please enjoy “Mr. Whitman’s brief quips and elaborate allegories.”
1. What’s the most important thing for a senior to do looking forward with finances?
Don’t spend more than you make. Save. Early and often. Don’t listen to celebrities or tv personalities for investing advice—or any advice. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.
2. Any parenting advice?
For the wee ones, when they are upset, run through the following checklist: Are they tired? Let them sleep. Are they hungry? Feed them.Do they emit a foul odor? Change them (and wash your hands after). Repeat until they can speak. (This process may take 2-3 years.)
3. If you had a boy, what would you name him?
Are you implying I don’t? You don’t know me.
4. If you had to be another teacher in the school who would you be and why?
On advice of counsel, I am invoking my 5th Amendment right…
5. If you were head of school for a day what would you do?
I’m going to need a longer column or you can wait until Amazon releases my book on management, “How to Lead: A Leader's Guide to Leading Those Who Want to Be Lead”.
6. If you had to remove one state, which one would it be and why?
The state of constant indecision.
7. If you had to add a state, what would you name it?
Northern Most Carolina
8. My best friend stole my significant other, what should I do?
Eat a pint of ice cream. Watch a movie. Cry so hard that you know you can still feel something.
9. If you had to rename a color which one would it be and what would you rename it?
Chartreuse. Due to the classic “rtr” and “euse” letter combinations. I prefer a more Crayola-friendly name like “Road Cone Yellow”
10. 3 things you absolutely should do in college:
Go to class. (Each class costs about $500!)
Find your people.
Explore beyond campus.
11. 3 things you absolutely should not do in college:
Bury yourself in debt
Anything with permanent consequences
And be sure to never, ever [redacted]
12. What is your favorite girl power anthem?
Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie
13. I got into a fight with my pet squirrel, what should I do?
When he goes low, you go high. Build him a Ninja Warrior course in your backyard. A lifetime of entertainment for both of you. With all the excitement you will both forget the fight. In fact, you’ll probably both look back on the fight and laugh at how childish you both were in that moment.
14. Best fast food chain and why?
Answers may vary.
15. Worst fast food chain and why?
IHOP. Apparently, driving into the restaurant because they don’t have a drive-thru is a “crime” and comes with a “lifetime ban”.
16. I’m failing all my classes, what should I do?
Transfer so the grades become withdrawals…Find a new school with a favorable exchange rate
17. My prom dress didn’t come in time, what should I wear?
According to lifehack.com, this dress that you speak of might have left you overdressed to the occasion. That would have been embarrassing. (Thank goodness you have a trusty advice column to rely on.) Instead, consider “casual outfits, jeans and t-shirts” since they are common these days. You can always make any outfit classier by opting for dress Crocs—the lesser known closed-toe option.
18. How should I prompose to someone I’ve never talked to before?
I’m not sure if you are familiar with the internet, but apparently you can live an entire life there without ever talking to anyone.
19. What is your all-time favorite movie?
Mean Girls 3: Grad School
20. Any last pieces of advice?
Stay tuned for the next installment.
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